The Descision

As mothers we are required on a regular basis to make decisions that will affect our children's lives.  Some decisions are easy and some require a great deal of consideration.  We often agonize over making the decision, arguing with ourselves over which decision is the right one.  Today I was required to make a most difficult decision, one that will affect my daughters development, both mental and emotional.

A few weeks ago my daughters preschool teacher handed me a packet of information about ADD.  She indicated to me that my daughter was showing early signs of ADD and recommended that I read the material and do some research.  Well I did read the material, and honestly I found that most 3 year olds are suffering from early signs of ADD.  Therefore I decided to forgo any drastic changes and began observing my daughters behavior.  What I found was what I already knew.  My daughter is very smart, too smart for her own good.  She is also very independent, much like I am.  And stubborn, just like her father (wink).

Then today I experienced an unsettling and heart breaking incident at her school.  Anna only goes to preschool 3 days a week and until the ADD talk I was unaware of any specific behavioral issues regarding my daughter.  When signing my daughter into school, there is a window where the kids can look out and see who is coming and going.  As I was signing Anna in I saw two boys that I thought were her friends peering at me.  And then they said "Oh no, not Anna." At first I thought I heard them wrong and then I looked at my daughter.  She was sunken and I could see that she had heard them too.  My heart broke.  Her teacher answered the door and I hugged and kissed my daughter goodbye.  I made it around the block tears streaming down my face before I returned to talk to her teacher.

The teacher opened the door and I could see by the look on her face, she knew why I was there.  I asked her about what the boys had said and she stepped outside and shut the door.  And then she told me my daughter was mean.  She was mean to the other kids and that's why they don't like her and don't want to play with her.  I was stunned, this is the first I had heard of this.  Anna acted out at home but I saw that as her pushing back against authority, establishing her independence. Even if she was 'fighting' with her friends, from everyone I talked to this was a natural part of being a 3 year old.  Developing social skills, learning to share and take turns.  Her teacher went on to say that for example Anna would be playing with another child and that child would say that they didn't want to play that anymore and Anna would respond by saying "I don't want to be your friend anymore."  Well, again, I can't believe that she is the only child who does that and she must have learned it somewhere, certainly not from me.  As the teacher was explaining all this to me I could help but pick up on a feeling that she just didn't want Anna there.  She was a problem child, a disruptor, and not welcome.  To me, if I am picking up on that attitude then my daughter must as well.

I drove away fighting the urge to pull her out of that school right then and there.  I went home and did some research.  I also discussed the situation with my husband.  At home I was obsessed, running over in my mind what the boys had said and the  hurt look on my daughters face.  I could think of nothing else and I cried, often.  There are few things worse than seeing your child hurt.  I blamed myself.  I told myself that if I was a better mother my daughter wouldn't be acting out. That I shouldn't have sent her to preschool, that I'm the one to blame.  I also saw my daughter going down a path that I went down as well.

I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid.  I was very independent and I had a dry, sarcastic humor.  I was often misunderstood by my peers and therefore didn't have many close friends.  Those who did get to know me were my best friends, my dearest friends and we stayed friends for many years.  They told me I was mean too.  To this day, I'm still not sure what they meant by that, how was mean?  No one would ever explain that to me and that devastated me.  All I wanted was  to fit it, to be liked and for who I was, not for what others thought I should be.  Not because I wore designer jeans and my parents lived in a big house, but because I had a good heart, would have done anything for a friend and was loyal to the end.  Seeing my daughter headed down the same painful path set alarm bells going off in my mind.  I decided that when I went to pick up, I would inform her teacher she would only be going part-time during the summer.  I called my office and told them what was going on and asked to be moved to a position that would require less phone time.  While talking to my boss (who happens to be my  uncle) he started talking to me about Montessori.  His daughter goes to Montessori and is doing very well,  he also told me that the owners daughter was just going through the same thing as Anna.  He pulled her out of her school and put her in a Montessori school and she was doing much better.  This was not the first time that I had heard good things about the Montessori Method.  There is a Montessori school down the road from me and so after my husband had stopped by, I decided to check the place out as well.

I cannot describe the difference in atmosphere and attitude.  As I toured the facility I found kids the same age as my daughter, working together and some independently, making words, tracing shapes and doing crafts.  Each child was working at their own pace, challenging themselves.  The teacher too, she was amazing.  Her whole countenance was that of warmth and caring. This woman loved kids and loved teaching them, I could feel it and I knew Anna would too.  Before I left I informed the Montessori teacher that we would be enrolling for the summer, part-time.

I left the school, and as I drove to my daughters school, I talked to my husband on the phone and we both marveled at how different the atmosphere was, we were relieve and optimistic that we were making the right decision.  I pulled up to Anna's school and went to the front door.  After signing her out, her teacher answered the door.  I asked how she did that day and her teacher said, "You should know that Anna got hit in the head with a bucket today, but she's okay."  And that's it.  No elaboration, no explanation, just a look of 'I don't want this kid here.'  I asked, "Was this an accident?", she signed and said "No.  Another child hit her." Again, no elaboration and no explanation.  So I asked more, "Were they fighting?" and that's when she informed me that Anna had been yelling at another girl and the girl hit her in the head with the bucket.  I was so angry.  Here this lady is standing her, looking at me like, 'she got what she deserves, take your problem child and go', I wanted to punch her in the mouth.  There is a big difference between, hey the kids were playing and your daughter accidently got hit with a bucket and, your daughter was purposely struck by another child during an argument.  I was done.  I grabbed my daughter and her crafts and as we drove away I decided that would be Anna's last day at that school.

My daughter deserves better than to go to a school where she is not wanted and treated like a 'problem child.'  I have no illusions, I know Anna has a very strong will.  She is very intelligent, wildly independent and extremely sensitive.  She gets her feelings hurt and she's not very good at dealing with hurtful emotions.  But she's *3*!!  What 3 year old is perfectly capable of dealing with their emotions?  Very few.  So after a horrible day of hurtful words and being wacked with a bucket, I was 100% sure that my husband and I had made the right decision.

Anna will be starting a new school in a few weeks and God willing she will flourish.  My heart is still breaking but I am optimistic that t his new adventure will be a positive move in the right direction.  I never want my daughter to feel unwanted and unloved by her teacher, she deserves better than that.